Die, evil-Braden-demon. DIE!!

A little dramatic of a title, I know, but I found out today that I have at least two readers/audience members so I had to spice it up a little--you know, for effect and all.

Hello every-one... it's nice to be back at my computer spouting my thoughts to you once again.

Recap of today:

Surprise, surprise, I was cold. I was cold the whole morning. I was so cold that I was getting shivers down my back and on my stomach and did not only have cold fingers, but had cold hands that seemed to freeze their way up my wrists... and my ankles, feeling brittle and ready to crack with each next step, were so cold I wouldn't have minded cutting them off. The best part of this was that I hadn't even gotten to the rink yet. Ooooohhhh yyyeeaaahhhhhh--the rink was even colder!!!

Today was "Outfit day" (means wear our competition outfits)--in my case I just wore the base for my short program (shirt and pants without any spunk added to it yet--just to see the fit). It was almost and instantaneous conclusion that I needed to remake my pants. *&#&(!!! That didn't thrill me to say the least. Not only that, I had to continue practicing in them for the rest of the session.

Well, having gone almost 50 minutes of my hour session without having done a single jump... and feeling like frosty the snow skater, and being annoyed at my pants, I wasn't excited about doing my short program [especially in a lesson]. I was wearing the outfit... had to do the program. Let's not forget I was also there to train and programs are just what we do. Simple as that. They're what we do.

I did a quick warm-up that went reasonably well. I opened the short with an incredible [if I may say so myself] triple axel only to be followed by a DOUBLE loop; I popped the triple. (Popping and falling are two entirely different things. Not to dwell on it but popping is one of the worst habits one can create--I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.) Metaphoric deflation starts now. NO IT DOESN"T!!! NO IT DOESN"T!!! NO IT DOESN"T!!! The reality is that the program's not over until it's over. Another reality is that my triple lutz combo, which comes after the loop, has NOTHING to do with my loop. I managed to stay reasonably on my game, enough to go and do a good triple lutz combo. The rest of the program was sort of passe. Knowing that I had made a mistake, I let the little slips and slides of every day skating get in my way during my ending footwork and I missed my toe on my last spin (which is the catalyst for my change of feet). The program was fine. Some good things, some not so good. Overall, the program was fine. Darn that triple loop.

The long was the fun one. Today, I grew again, after having a rough bout with a little demon that lives inside my ever-so-bizarre little head. I tasted destruction for one of the first times in a long while. I started my long program with a shaky [but completed] triple axel, triple loop, triple flip, bad triple lutz attempt (I started thinking, about what doesn't matter in the least, but it took me out of right now and consequently, my lutz was kind of half-baked), then came the big SINGLE AXEL (remember what I said about popping earlier)! A single axel. At this point, I knew I was doing a program again... why keep going? I rarely pop any more... why continue as though there's no problem? If the program's already this bad, why not just start over? I missed the hard jumps, what's the point in doing any of the others? Blah blah blah... get over yourself, Braden!!! I continued doing the program and was very in and out of the moment (compare it to consciousness--in and out of awareness) leading me into some things that were reasonable and some things that were not. The program was BAD. It truly was not what I wanted, not what I "intended", not what I expected, etc. but the part that made it bad was that I let a couple things bother me and didn't recover from it. The lutz was over. The axel was over. What I didn't tell myself that I should've was, "Keep moving. The program is NOT over. Keep moving. Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep trying. Keep skating the way I know how to skate and the way I skate every day. Keep going!" I let my own little demon win the battle with my long. I knew I was doing it over again before I left, why should I have kept putting effort into something that's inevitably going to be redone? Well, that's ridiculous--training is not like carving a stone sculpture and when you mess up you start with a fresh piece of stone, it's repeating the desired behavior over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (get the point) and over again until it's no longer something that is challenging, new, or difficult. We train in an environment where the result doesn't "matter" so that when it does matter, we have all the practice and experience to pull from (that means the training does actually matter). Let's not get confused here either, the "desired behavior" is not a LANDED lutz or a perfect_____, it's a full-intentioned lutz with a confident and doubtless approach where your body and mind are in the exact positions you want them and put them and when the lutz is over, no matter how well or poorly it went, it's over and you move on to the next thing. That's the desired behavior!!! It's not what happens that matters, it's your attitude about what happens and how you work to make it better, make it what you want! Ah, I was frustrated!

I tried to recollect myself and do my long program again. Does it mean anything to you that the only part of this I remember is falling on my triple sal (which is in the middle of my program) and laying in center ice for a quick moment (don't get the wrong impression, I wasn't throwing a fit) wondering why I wasn't doing anything the way I wanted to? I stopped the program--another BAD habit!!! Again, I speak from experience. I was stupefied... utterly dumbfounded at how poorly one, I was skating and two, I was dealing with it. Who am I? Again, get over yourself, Braden.

Today was about simplicity. I had to sit back for a second, again, and figure out how to productively approach the rest of my practice. I had let too many things in to even figure out what to focus on and what not to. What should I be thinking? How should I do this if I'm so annoyed? CAN I do this if I'm so annoyed? Etc, etc. News flash: it doesn't matter! Just go and do it. Don't think about anything if you don't want to, just go do it. Miserable, not miserable, tired, distracted, sore, irritated... no one cares; it doesn't matter. A jump is still a jump. A program's still a program. It's the same thing I do every day. I start with an axel, then loop, then flip, then lutz, then axel, then sal... and so on; just go do it. So I sat back and decided: I was going to do my program with everything in it. I started with a triple axel combo, then triple loop, then triple flip, then triple lutz combo, then POPPED my second axel (AAAAAAHHHHHHH), 2-3 seconds later I said to myself "keep going, the axel's not what matters. MOVE ON!" I did triple sal, then the double-axel sequence, then triple toe. Overall a GREAT program considering where I was earlier. I went back to place my triple axel with the music and popped. WHAT IS THIS HABIT?? AAAAHHHHHH. Then I popped again. Guess where my attitude was going. I paused for a few moments to recollect myself. "Say it. Do it."--a triple axel is a triple axel and nothing else. I again was making it a hugely difficult task. I had to just go do it. So I did. And for training purposes, I did it again. And then, I did it again cause THAT"S WHAT I DO!!!! I DO TRIPLE AXEL!! It's a fact.

That was today. Woh--difficult day. I let myself down but I didn't give up... I learned from it, I progressed as an athlete, and I grew as a competitor. I'm stronger because of it. Man, sometimes that's hard.

Quick aside: I did a clean short on the second session (after having popped the loop on the first session).

Also, I decided today to add the phrase, "I do triple axels in competition at nationals" to my list of reinforcers ("affirmations")--the things I tell myself repeatedly until I believe them, free of any doubt. Sounds crazy I know... just go with it. Well, my "Enter" key just stopped working again so I'm signing off in this same paragraph. Thanks for reading. Hopefully it didn't put you to sleep, but if it did, you have my permission to use it the next time you can't fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a great finish to the week. Can't wait to give you a report. Until then! Braden